How can parents nurture children’s self-esteem without raising narcissists?

Again, if you are not the kind of parent who looks at your child and smiles lovingly when he or she does annoying things, you probably don’t have much to worry about narcissism. But as I will explain later, parents often make mistakes যদিও albeit with good intentions, which I have created myself যা that can have a lasting effect on children’s self-esteem.

What parents do wrong today

Nowadays raising children is not easy. Aside from all age-old parenting challenges, we also have to contend with the fact that the success of our children makes us feel much more elusive than our parents and grandparents did (not to mention that we have recently been hit by an epidemic). Which kept our kids out of school). Every year, elite colleges accept more and more applicants for the same number of spots. Among the ten most competitive U.S. universities, enrollment rates fell nearly 60 percent between 2006 and 2018, down from an average of 16 percent in 2006 to 6.4 percent in 2018; In the top fifty universities, the rate has dropped by about 40 percent. No wonder the admission scandal has been widespread.

The problems parents face today involve far more than just college admissions. When the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) asked parents to rank their top three long-term economic and social fears in 2019, 60 percent said they were concerned that their children would not achieve their level of dignity and well-being. This is partly because children need to earn more than their parents to maintain the same standard of living. We are all terrified of our kids and for good reason.

So it’s probably no surprise to most of you that American parents বিশেষ especially the middle and upper-middle class এখন now put a lot of pressure on their kids to be exceptional. It starts at a young age: children who are not yet two years old are being professionally trained for pre-school interviews; Three-year-olds are taking Mandarin and coding classes to “move on”; Kindergarteners are needed to learn chess; Fourth graders are taking SAT prep classes and working with private sports coaches. There is even a national chain of preschools called Creme de la Creme that teaches Mandarin, theater and robotics to young children where the site has STEM labs, baseball diamonds, art studios, basketball courts and computer labs. (Important Note: Research suggests that children who attend play-based schools learn just as much as those who attend more academically-focused schools.) To enjoy; They now have to win the competition, build an All-American sports team, and take the lead in the musical, as well as, of course, straighten out and be accustomed to the SAT.

In his 2015 book Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis, Harvard Emeritus statesman Robert D. Putnam explained that in the 1980s, middle-class and upper-class American parents – especially the highly educated – began to change their perceptions of what that meant. To be a good parent. They began to move away from Benjamin Spock’s “permissive guardianship” approach and toward a new kind of “intensive guardianship”, partly encouraged by the idea that children would be more successful if we pushed them harder at a young age. So now, forty years later, Baby STEM Lab. Don’t get me wrong; I am also one of these guardians. I haven’t enrolled my kids in Mandarin classes, but I’m probably very worried about whether they will succeed and what I need to do to make sure they succeed. When my son brings his report card home, I can’t help but wonder what his bad signs mean for analyzing each grade and handwriting for his future. If the competition is much more intense than before, how can we not feel the pressure and, intentionally or not, pass some of that pressure on to our kids? Who can blame us for being scared and want to do what we can to give our kids a leg up?

Here’s the thing, though: this stress is not good for our kids’ self-esteem. Research suggests that when parents place more emphasis on achievement, children begin to guess that achievement determines who they are and how much they are valued. And sometimes, our frustration and anger at their failure is so obvious that they feel that our love for them depends on their success – reinforcing the notion that their value and love, defined by what they do, is not who they are.

I’m not saying that any of us would say directly that we wouldn’t love our kids if they got Cs, but kids make these assumptions based on how we work. In a survey published in 2014, Harvard University Graduate School of Education researchers interviewed tens of thousands of secondary and high school students from thirty-three schools across the country who thought their parents wanted them the most. Two-thirds of students said they believed their parents would place credit rather than caring for others. “If I’m a member of a caring community in the classroom and at school, my parents are more proud to get good grades in my class,” he said. In her book, Kid’s Confidence, psychologist Aileen Kennedy-Moore argues that healthy self-esteem is essentially “Am I good enough?” The power to let go of the question – and when parents push for their children, they never give up. Opportunity to stop asking that question.

Author’s picture Gabriel Gerrard (Courtesy of Penguin Random House)

Melinda Weiner is a contributing editor at Moer Scientific Regular contributor to American Magazine and The New York Times, Washington Post and other national magazines and newspapers. He is the son of Arthur L. of NYU. Carter is a faculty member of the Journalism Institute’s Science, Health and Environmental Reporting Program. Her first book, “How to Raise Kids Who Are Not ** Holes,” was published by JP Putnam’s Sons in July 2021. You can follow him on Twitter lindy2350